THIS BLOG CONTAINS ADULT MATERIAL! (YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!)

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Weight Watchers vs. Banana Bread

Yesterday I was going to start
Weight Watchers......
...Today I ate an ENTIRE loaf of
Banana Bread
.........that's all I have to say
about that!

Monday, February 17, 2014

OMG....the Elevator!

While on vacation, my family enters the elevator.  The doors of the elevator close and we stand there and stand there for what seemed like an eternity ............ ...we carry on conversations and wait to go down to the first floor....... we wait and wait ........we're wondering why the elevator isn't moving.....why it is taking so long to go down 14 floors? ......(....have we been in here an hour?.....)  ......we start bitching and complaining about elevators.......specifically SLOW elevators  .....when we get out of here I'm freakin' talking to the management......(....I can't believe it's taking so long.....)   ....THEN IT HITS ME:  ....(my legs go weak....and I feel nauseated..)

What if the elevator is stuck between floors?

What if there's been an earthquake? (....did anyone hear the building shake??.....)

What if nobody knows we're in here?  

What if we're in here for days? 

Where will I poop?

We're going to starve.... (...I'll have to eat my family to survive....)

OMG.....it's the 'Zombie Apocalypse!'

We're going to die of thirst..........(....I'll have to drink my own pee....)

We're ALL GONNA DIE in here!!!  God help us!

...................and then we realize that nobody has pushed the button to move the elevator.  

I HATE elevators!

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

One of THOSE DAYS.....

Today I pretty much had a major meltdown.   (...haven't had one of those in a long time.....)  
pretty much wanted to punch everyone in the face and curl up in a hole.  (I'll chalk it up 
to PMS'ing and forgetting to take my Prozac!)   At 2:00PM, I took a shower (where I pretty 
much bawled my eyes out for no reason whatsoever)  And I shaved all the hair off my arms!  

This is how I felt today - (in pretty much the exact words to a 
good friend.... in a text ....while 
I was having my own little pity party):  
 
"I feel like my house 
is a pig-sty....and I don't feel 
like cleaning it!  I have no ambition!  
My floors are disgusting.  I'm 
un-organized.  
I feel frumpy and ugly. I hate my hair.  
My face is fat!  
I need a tan!  My body is fat and none 
of my clothes fit me!  
I have gramma cleavage.  ....
and don't even get me started about my crotch!  I have an incontinence 
problem and
I pee my pants all the time......and
now I have no
hair on my arms!"
 
At 3:30PM, I took a road-trip with Hairyman in  hopes of bettering my mood but an hour in the car listening to my husband only made things worse!

Well, it's about 5 hours later....and I'm pretty much over it!  
I mean.....I'm still pretty much 
all those things mentioned above....but I'm okay with it all now!  ......only I'm not sure if shaving 
all the hair off my arms was such a good idea! 

4 more days......

Only 4 more days to purchase a limited edition 'Drink Vodka Naked' shirt!  (....and Thank you to those of you that have agreed to buy a shirt already.) 
You still have time to purchase a shirt, but keep in mind that I need to sell a minimum amount of shirts in order to fulfill the order.  So that means that if 'X' amount of shirts do not sell, the shirts will no longer be available at this low $15.00 price... (.....that means that your order will not be placed and you will not be charged)......so make sure
you tell all of your friends.
 
You can order your shirts here
 
The following are types of shirts that are available to you!:
 
 



 

You can go to:
 to order your shirts!

Monday, January 20, 2014

I Hate Porti-Johns!!

I have another "porti-potty story" for you guys.  (Cause’ you know I always have a good porti-potty story to tell you.) 

THIS STORY IS ABOUT PERIODS AND TAMPONS......YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!  (if you embarrass easily or don't want to hear about my period problems...you best not continue!)

Last year at the Christmas tree lot you’ll remember how I was in the porti-john squatting and peeing on a windy day and forgot to lock the porti-john and the door flew open on me – baring my all to the world...............

Well this year while at the tree lot we rented a porti-potty that had an OPEN FLOOR........ (the floor was grated and you could see the ground and grass under the grates)……evidently this helps air the thing out and prevents the floor from ever getting wet, right?  ..............Well, I happened to be on my period this particular day so I grabbed my tampon and headed into the porti-john.  (Keep in mind this is a regular size potty and there’s not much room.)  I also should tell you that this was my LAST TAMPON and I was bleeding from my crotch like a ‘stab wound to the abdomen’ victim.   So I’ve got my pants around my ankles, I squat to pee (yes, squatting…because there’s no way my butt is gonna make contact with the porti-potty toilet seat) ….I remove the used tampon and while in the process of removing the new tampon from out of its handy little convenient wrapper...... I FUMBLE.....and my new tampon falls out of the wrapper onto the floor of the porti-potty! (I’ll remind you that this particular porti-potty has NO FLOOR…..it has grates, remember?!)  So my tampon (the only one I have at the moment to get me thru the next few hours) has fallen thru the grates of the floor of the porti-john …………BUT….I’m in luck because I can SEE my tampon thru the floor (under the grates of the porti-potty!)  So I grab a huge gob of toilet paper (probably about 78 squares) and stuff it to my crotch…..pull up my underwear with the handful of tissue between my legs....and get down on my knees of the porti-john (kneeling on my shorts - on the bottom of the porti-potty grates) in hope of retrieving my ONLY tampon.   I’m in luck because my tampon has fallen on the side of the porti-potty that has grass so it’s propped up on a few blades and I'm fairly sure I can reach it……..I have to put my fingers thru the grates …..Close your eyes and picture this in your mind if you will:  Me .......on the floor of a disgusting, dirty 'porti-potty'……...in my underwear…..tissue jammed between my legs......kneeling on my shorts………my butt up in the air……..fingering the floor grates.........  "You get the picture??" 

BUT………. I AM able to retrieve the magic tampon from the bottom the the porti-john!  (Yes - There is a God!)  So needless to say I get back up off the floor…..blow the dirt and grass off my priceless tampon and "We're back in business, people!"

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Limited Edition 'DRINK VODKA NAKED' Tees

To celebrate the re-launching of my blog ..........I'm offering my new line of 'DRINK VODKA NAKED' T-shirts at a reduced price ($15.00) and for a limited time only!    

1.) These shirts will only be available for 2 weeks - so make sure you reserve one now!
2.) There are womens tees and long sleeve shirts available.
3.) Your shirt(s) will be available 10-14 days after my campaign ends (...my campaign ends in 2 weeks.)

GO TO: http://www.teespring.com/drinkvodkanaked to place your order.

(Spread the work because I can't wait to see us all walking around in 'Drink Vodka Naked' shirts!)

I'm Back and better than ever!

I'm BAAACKKKKKK!
.....and better than ever!

To celebrate the re-launching of my blog this year......I'm offering a sneak peak of my new line of 'DRINK VODKA NAKED' T-shirts.  (They'll be available for sale at a reduced price and for a limited time only in my next post.)

Also.....stay tuned for random 'SHOTS of Jenny'   (Video feed in the morning from Jenny herself  .....discussing her thoughts of the day......while drinking Vodka of course!)

                      So stay tuned........there's more to come!

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Hi, guys: You've probably noticed that 'My Life as Jenny' has been out of commission for about a year now. Jenny has been working on some NEW things this last year and she needed to take a break from her blogging for a little while to regroup. (Sometimes you just need a break, right?)    But be sure to stay tuned.....Jenny will be up to her old shenanigans again fairly soon and 'My Life as Jenny' will be back in full swing sometime in January of 2014.

Stay tuned for: 


 1.) Random morning 'Shots of Jenny' (Real video of Jenny in the morning), 

 2.) Her new line of 'Drink Vodka Naked' T-shirts & memorabilia
AND

 3.) More fun stories to make you giggle! 



 You won't be disappointed........See you all next year!

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

My birthday was May 2nd and Hairyman and I went out partying with a bunch of friends!  We all went out to eat, went to the bar, drank a bunch of alcohol and Hairyman put on a firework show for us later that night at our house.  The following is a text message that I sent them the following morning:  (evidently, I had TOO much fun!)

My dear friends:  Just wanted to Thank you all for contributing to my feeling like ASS this morning! You're all such GREAT friends! Just so you know, I am NEVER drinking again! I'm pretty sure I blacked out last night!  Rob says I was a piece of work! I have NO recollection of some of the nights various activities! .... Like why are there piles of blankets in the middle of the garage floor this morning? ..... Something about J and Cinnamon and me and Hairyman making wild monkey sex under the stars...... that's all I remember! Oh, and which one of you took a shit in my mouth this morning?  Oh, and Hairyman found me passed out on the bathroom floor completely naked at one point..... hopefully you all had left by that time! I'm pretty sure it wasn't a very pretty sight - Good Lord!   Oh, and I woke up spread eagle butt-naked on the couch this morning with a glow stick stuck on my ass!   Rob was in the bedroom in bed but Max (my little Yorkie) was curled up next to me on the couch! I'm fairly positive I didn't have sex last night ....but i cant be sure....oh God - lets hope I didn't have sex with Max!   I think I'm gonna go vomit now!  Thanks again, Jenny